There's nothing like online dating to make it painfully clear, men know nothing about women. And it's not like we aren't telling them or sharing our opinions. Ehem. Having seen one too many profiles on dating sites like Match, eHarmony, Tinder, etc., I consider myself an expert. I could easily devote entire chapters on why "24/7HardForYou" would not be considered a proper username, but let's focus on the more obvious...the profile pictures.
You wouldn't submit a resume full of spelling mistakes, nor would you show up for an interview after not having showered for a week. And if you would, then let me save you some time here and tell you the shocking truth, you're not going to find a quality job, nor a quality woman. It is absolutely your right to not shower, but please stop wasting other people's time who do and are serious in their search for a partner.
Pictures are the first impression, the most obvious item you willing give for us to judge you by. And judge we do. Yes, women tend to be more forgiving when it comes to the looks department, but we also happen to be visual creatures, even though men don't want to think so. It matters, so if you're serious about finding love online, or at least like, then be serious about how you present yourself.
In the essence of helping, I've narrowed it down to my TOP TEN PHOTO PHOPAS. Ladies, share with your fellas and fellas, listen up. It all comes down to considering your audience. Think about the woman who will be on the other side of the screen, not your drinking buddy. "But I've gotta be me, accept me for who I am, take it or leave it!" Get over yourself, only mom thinks you're better than sliced bread.
NOT POSTING A PICTURE
For whatever reason you have for being annonymous, it's not fair. Yes, you may feel vulnerable and exposed, but we're all in this together and eventually, we're going to see you, right? And if you're hoping we're going to fall for your scintillating written personality, we won't. Would you go on a blind date? Most women won't, for safety reasons alone. Personally, I delete pictureless profiles immediately.
FIVE PICTURE MINIMUM, TEN MAX
Post at least five pictures so we can get an idea of what you look like so we can pick you out of a crowd. One or two pictures is simply not enough and we wonder why, in this day of the selfie, do you not have more? Scam artists abound online and tons of fake profiles show a stolen generic picture, maybe two, of a very handsome man. On the flip side, no matter how much you want to show us 837 pictures of your fabulous self, don't. No one's got time for that.
PICTURES OF YOU, NOT YOUR BUDDIES
This is critical if your buddies are hotter than you. You're just setting us up to ask "Who's your friend?" We'll remain cordial and delete you in the hopes that maybe your hot buddy is on here too. Group shots are annoying, and we get it, you have friends and are well liked, but if we constantly have to guess who you are, we're out.
YOUR DOG - Who doesn't love a dog? Or cat, or whatever pet you own. A picture of you and your beloved pooch is fine, but showing us 27 pics of your dog sleeping, eating, running, swimming, pooping, and especially licking you in the mouth is simply too much. It screams my dog comes first. Besides, what would you think of a woman's profile with 27 pictures of her cats, yes plural. Left. Get it?
YOUR TOYS - Motorcycles, giant trucks, luxury cars, and Corvettes tend to be the biggest violators. It's not as bad if you're actually on the bike to show us you ride, but please keep the toys in the garage. We're women, we are not your bro, at least not yet. We are not showing you dozens of pictures of our shoes or purses. Even if it's a Porsche, aren't you the ones always whining when women judge you on what you drive?
YOU WITH OTHER WOMEN - Let me get real here, most of us don't want to see you with beautiful women. Not surrounded by a gaggle of cheerleaders, with your gorgeous Ex, or your sexy 'friend'. Even if you're a high fashion photographer, we don't need to see the bikini models either. Exceptions might be pictures with your mom or sister, but make sure you explain that in the comments and remember, we might not believe you anyway.
THINGS YOU KILL - Deer, fish, unidentified animals. Maybe you're trying to show us you can provide as a grand hunter, but I'm quite sure we're all very comfortable with a modern convenience called a grocery store. Most women do not kill. Please stop showing us animal carcasses and thinking the fact that you can pull a trigger would turn us on. You just showed us a million pictures of your adorable doggie, don't show us dead animals you deemed deserving of death.
THE BAD SELFIE - In the bathroom, in the car, greased up at the gym. Please stop. Please. For the love of all things right, stop taking the bathroom mirror selfie. We do not know you. We do not want to see what your toilet looks like, nor your threadbare bath towels, which is what we're looking at. No out of focus, blurry, or up-the-nose shots either. Can you really not find someone to take your picture? It screams I have no friends, no life, and definitely no girlfriend. Look directly into the camera and smile. Take off the sunglasses. Take off the hats. Unless you plan on showing up in Burka on our date, hiding your true appearance is a bad idea.
THE MUG SHOT - If you look like you're going to kill someone, or kill us, there's a high probability we will pass. Yes, some of us like bad boys, but in reality, it's the confidence we're attracted to, not your criminal record. I'm sure you've heard confidence is sexy in women. It goes both ways.
YOUR GLORY DAYS - Ahhh, the good ole days. All those great times. All those things you did. What you looked like all those years ago. But, we are going to meet you in the here and now. The present. Show us current pictures of what your life is like now. Here's a little secret, we all want to be 10 years younger and 10 pounds lighter, but we're not, so stop. You can't photoshop real life.